College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
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When someone trying to leave me
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Software Development ⛵️
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*