Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.