If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.