Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.