The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
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*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
#inspiration #foodforthought
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s