How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!