“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Something Saturday.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday