Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I’m good, thanks.