Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
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Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Art by Pastelkatto
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
We decided to have money instead of children.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]