Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
You Might Also Like
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Usage Guidelines
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that