I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*launders Kohls cash*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education