Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
You Might Also Like
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.