The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
don’t we all
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?