Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
turtles are just lizards who work in construction