Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You Might Also Like
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
R.I.P.