Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.