Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea