Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat