Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
early stone age tool
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
one last job
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons