I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
this is the best day of my life
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
WTF
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
#catsoftwitter
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]