If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
This is enough internet for the day.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup