Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind