Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.