I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible