ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Rather alarming headline…
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6