She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
You Might Also Like
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
So true for me
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.