If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
guys i’ve cracked the code
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.