Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.