[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Stop correcting my vodkabulary