I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
choose your gary
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
just pretend nothing happened
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.