Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
#Caturday
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*