[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
man i love columbo
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
dads on road-trips be like
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!