My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
guys i’ve cracked the code
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?