I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
i hate you platonically
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting