i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…