PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
sugar glider wrangler
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away