I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
🤣could you imagine
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”