Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
You Might Also Like
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM