if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
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Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Encore…
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
what could possibly go wrong?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.