I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me