Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Sending in my taxes
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck