These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented