Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.