me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow: