I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I get distracted pretty eas
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Ugh
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.