I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?