Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
me logging onto twitter
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.