He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
the three branches of government
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?