*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪