A dad and his duck
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A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.